Idle With Despair...

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be that we're all OK. And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless or be idle with despair. I will gather myself around my faith, for light does the darkness most fear." --Jewel (taken from the song: Hands)

I love the part about worry being wasteful. It really is!! I don't want to be made useless or be idle with despair either. In fact, lately, the things I was despairing for awhile have subsided. But come what may from this point on, I WILL NOT BE IDLE WITH DESPAIR. She says it well, the light is what the darkness most fears. And despair is found in darkness. I know. I know it well. And hanging out in the darkness is wasteful and useless.

I was in a pit of despair for many months. Some days were really really bad, some days were good, and now most days the pit is just a painful memory. I lament the days that I was made useless by my selfish despair. It was selfish. I didn't get what I wanted and it hurt and I just didn't want to "get over it". Well, that's a part of life. The truth of it is, I still don't like what went wrong. I HATE it as a matter of fact, still. But it will not consume me again. It will not render me useless. I will not be wasteful like that with my life. I am meant for better things. My God didn't sacrifice his ONLY SON so that I could hang around feeling sorry for myself and my broken heart. It's not wrong to grieve. It's not wrong to hurt. It's not wrong to question WHY. It's not wrong to feel. But it is SO WRONG to be wasteful with our lives. It is wrong to be idle and made useless by our despair. Over the past couple of weeks, that's really hit me hard. I have felt really convicted by all of the time that I wasted in that pit. It was a pit. I was in the very bottom of that pit bound in chains, DOING NOTHING BUT SIMMERING IN MY OWN SORROW. I didn't throw myself in that pit...that was done for me, however, the chains which bound me were chains that I created! I did that all by myself.

I have been doing A WHOLE LOT better , PRAISE BE TO GOD ONLY!!! He's been so good to me, despite myself. Christmas time was a bit hard, but holidays always are when it comes to matters for the heart and loved ones. But for the most part I am healing more and more every day. I know that the chains are gone and the pit is a painful memory. I have grown SO much. And I've learned a lot too, about myself and about others. It's been a tough road the past 4-5 months, but a road that I can honestly say that I am glad that I walked (and many times crawled). God has done a lot of difficult but much needed work in me and I am always glad for that, in spite of the pain required to get the job done.

Thank You God for the blessings-- before, during, and after the pit. It was a hard journey, but a much needed one. I love you.


Full Song:
"Hands" by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
Or be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands